I've sat down nearly a dozen times in the last few days to write a post....and nothing. I've looked at my blank (blog) canvas and haven't been able to drop a single bit of paint on it. My mind isn't blank only...well...a bit distracted. These past two weeks have been tough. I won't sugar coat it. There was the vaccine that sent baby girl spinning into constant fussines. Then just when I thought there was light at the end of that tunnel the husband and I got flattened by a nasty stomach virus. This week is better. My bright eyed little bit is smiling again and there is more laughter in the Hoover house than tears. The sun is peaking out more (literally and proverbially) and the temperature is on the rise. I can almost see summer on the horizon. Sigh...the head lifts, the shoulders relax, but my mind...it is processing something that these past weeks revealed about my heart. Something ugly that I would rather ignore because to face it means a decision to stay where I am or move toward God's peace and purpose in my life.
God never changes and it only takes a stomach virus to make me forget that.
This is how it went down...
I slumped exhausted and on the verge of dehydration into bed and waste what little fluid I have left on a stream of tears. I cry terrified that the wee one could get what was catchin'. In that moment I believed the serpent's age old lie that God is not good. God is not good and more than that He is out to get me. I've admitted here in this space that I have often felt the victim and the anxiety that I have fought tooth and nail for years has been an outflow of an almost life long struggle.
This is what I realized...
God gives and He takes and we can choose to receive it all with open hands or we can crush what He gives within clenched fists. If we live with fists clenched we destroy all His gifts- good and bad.
I had to pry my fists open last week because if I am not willing to receive the good and the bleak (without fear) then I don't believe that God is who He says He is. These past couple of months have been a huge life change for me. I've become mama. A title that leaves me feeling more than a little unsure and inadequate, but I love it. I unabashedly and wholeheartedly love it and it is this "loving it" that frightens me. It more than tempts me to close my fists tight around my growing family in a destined-to-fail attempt to control life.
God is no less good on a day when I am bent over a trash can sick as a dog then on a day when all is well and rosy. God never changes. I need to repeat that loud enough and constant enough for my heart to hear it. GOD NEVER CHANGES! My circumstances change moment to moment, but He is steadfast, unwavering, and full of goodness toward His children. A heart that believes this will walk in light of the truth. I want my daughter to dance in this light. I want her to know and trust the character of God so deeply that she lifts the hands, palms up and open, freely. I want her to do this because she has seen her mama do this not just on the easy days, but on the days when the rains fall and the boat rocks hard.
This is the reality of motherhood- she is watching everything I do and, though she will fight her own battles, I do her a grave disservice if I do not arm her well because I refused to fight my own flesh. I painted the words "Choose Joy" over her changing table to remind us both of this choice. A choice given to us by the one who is pure goodness and joy.
Does anyone else struggle to believe that God is who He says He is? I know I'm not alone in this. Feel free to share in the comments.